First Pregnancy And Me

The truth is, I don't enjoy this pregnancy.

To be honest, I just want to get pregnant because of my age. I want to have a baby before 30. After 3 months of being married and still not being impregnanted, I was worried if there is anything wrong with our fertility. Hence we took every opportunities.

It was successful after all. But then, the news of being pregnant does not really overwhelmed me much. I could still sleep soundly unlike my husband who receive the news with mixed feeling and unable to sleep that night thinking about the future. I guessed he is so thrilled to be a father.

The tummy is growing. I went to check-up. I saw my baby on scanner twice. 'Ah, here you are, alive'. And that was it. Nothing more than that. After that I keep forgetting about a living baby in me. I tried to make a habit to talk to baby in tummy before sleep but sometimes it does not happened when I am too tired or too full and sleepy.

My body changes. My breasts getting fuller. My weight increasing. I could not fit into my clothes anymore. All my blouses looks even more shorter. When I moved to Kelantan and forced to re-arrange my clothes into my new wardrobe, I become more depressed. 'What kind of clothes I got here? It does not look like a mother collection at all'. Soon I will need to change everything. There goes skinny jeans. There goes legging. There goes sleeveless top with cardigans. What kind of dress code should I put on me next? Maternity clothes and ..., ah I don't really want to think of it.

I can't wait to be slim again. I want to go out and jog so I feel better about this pregnancy.

I really don't feel any connection with the baby.

I blamed the baby for lack of enthusiasm to shop. Maybe this pregnancy is a boy. Yada. Yada. Yada.

I can't imagine the arrival of the baby and confinement, and the biggest issue is, who is gonna take care of the baby? Err,.. can it be somebody else?

I am not keen for breastfeeding either. I am not keen to shop on baby's clothes too.

I blamed poor performance and low energy to work to the baby as well.

The only thing that keeps me going, I don't want to relapse. I don't want to take any medications. I don't want to be labelled as depression. I don't want to go near psychology department. Ah, please post partum blues, don't you dare come near me.

The worst thing is, I still have 6 months to go. OMG. OMG.

Poor Baby Kassim. Don't worry, no matter what Mama still loves you.